One of the things I hate most about the situation I am in because of my past depression is the fact that I cannot enjoy other people’s success and happiness. In fact, hearing somebody else’s good news just plummets me into depression. There is some straightforward jealousy in it but it is mainly because it is a reminder of the lack of opportunity for success that I am stuck with. I see other people making something of their lives and I know that I will never be allowed to do the thing in life that I wanted to do with all my heart.
This Donald Trump thing has been painful for me as well. I see all these millions of people caring about people they don’t know and I have never found one person who could help change my life around who is willing to even begin to help me.
Matters have been made worse by the way even so-called liberals and progressives in the United States have decided that Donald Trump must be mentally ill because he has extremely poor self-control and is, well, plain nasty. Of course, being a horrid person is not a mental illness. He may have a personality disorder or two but that is his personality not his brain chemistry. The problem seems to be that the Americans have a book that lists all behaviours that are considered abnormal (being gay was in it until recently). The general public just assume that every abnormality mentioned is a mental illness but that is not the case. Mental illness is treatable with medication whilst personality disorders are untreatable because they are just how some people are.
Here is a photograph (taken from Facebook) showing what liberal Americans think mentally ill people look like.
You can see, no doubt, why I am so down at the moment. To me, this displays the same level of ignorance as claims that gay people and paedophiles are the same and it hurts. Worse than that it shows how futile the battle is to include the mentally ill in society rather than stigmatising us as psychopaths who should be locked away behind closed doors until we die for everyone's safety.
Furthermore, I now realise that the reason I have received no help whatsoever from ordained colleagues in the Church of England is because, whatever they may say in public (a photograph of Rowan Williams, when he was archbishop, signing a declaration that the Church would be more caring of those with mental health problems springs to mind) is because not one of them believes a person who has or has had mental health issues should be allowed to be a practicing priest or hold any other meaningful post for that matter.
I have no fight left in me. I am not going to change anybody's mind about me personally or mental health matters in general. I am giving up my personal Facebook page today although I will be keeping this longstanding blog and the Saint Laika ministry going because there are people out there who find the spiritual stuff helpful even if they cringe at me constantly going on about my mental health and employment problems.
The thing is, at the end of the day, for all intents and purposes, you are what other people think you are not what you know yourself to be. You can't do anything about it, so why bother?
If you wish to read up on how I got to be where I now am CLICK HERE and check out my story.