Justin Welby’s Cunning Plan

NEWS JUST IN: The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, today told Christians in Pakistan to convert to Islam so that Muslims won't persecute them anymore. In an interview on the BBC World Service he said that the insistence of some Christians in the West that Jesus Christ was God really got up the noses of Muslims and forced them to make up stories about young Christian girls with learning disabilities blaspheming the Prophet so they could arrest her and then threaten to execute her. Welby has promised that, at the next General Synod, he will be demanding that everything in the Nicene Creed after "I believe in God" is scrapped. Pews will also be removed from all Church of England mosques (previously known as churches) in a bid to reduce the possibility of any offence being taken by unenlightened, misogynist, murdering bastards the world over.

"To sum it up," he said, "It's all our fault for trying to live according to the teachings of Jesus Christ. We should be ashamed of ourselves."


Justin Welby’s Cunning Plan — 5 Comments

  1. Agreed! I can’t decide if this guy works for Uncle Screwtape or the Ministry of Magic.

  2. “Justin, I have just thought of a really clever way of stopping Nigerian Christians being killed.

    Get British Anglicans to declare that Jesus was only a prophet and that the Qur’an is the final and authoritative text, and Mohammed the greatest prophet of all.

    That way we will almost certainly save lives in Africa.

    You know it makes sense, and we have a compassionate duty to define our doctrine in terms that will best appease anyone who threatens to kill, rape, set on fire, terrorise or blow up.

    Logically speaking, if your plan (a) would save ‘x’ lives, and my plan (b) would save ‘x’ times 10 lives, then surely you can see that my genius idea is both morally and practically a superb solution.

    Doctrine will in future be defined by level of threats made against us.

    I’ll get in touch with my gay and lesbian friends and explain their lives must be put on hold for to calm down the people who threaten us.

    I suggest that we cut out the confirmation service and encourage new Christians to take shahada instead. This would send a positive message to Boko Haram.

    (Incidentally, I’m not criticising Islam in these ironic comments, I attend a mosque in East London and admire the community of faith there. What I’m criticising is complete breakdown of logic, in effectively blaming gay people for their own victimisation, while telling them to stop rocking the boat.)

    Posted by Susannah Clark at Saturday, 5 April 2014 at 11:46am BST”


    Susannah (at Thinking Anglicans) beat you by 12+ hours, but the analogy still holds. :-/

    MP, do you think Justin’s TOXIC level of white-guilt is a class thing? Or has he just never been in a situation w/ non-white/non-British people AS EQUALS, where if they something dumb@ss he can challenge them AND vice-versa? [Thank God for my Union Seminary (in NYC) education. People from ALL OVER mix-it-up, and (after no more than a semester or so) not one thinks “I better shut up about my opinion”. I learned from (among others!) African students, I hope they learned from me, and God was working God’s purpose out. Would that Justin Welby had gone to Union!]

  3. “if they *say* something dumb@ss”

    Damn, I still miss a Preview button here…