Child Killers Go Back To School

The principal of the Pope Alexander VI School in Fresno, California has put the shooting rights on his school property up for auction on eBay. Principal Cary Nolton came up with the idea after watching reports of school massacres on Fox News. He noticed that the shooting of schoolchildren was basically a free for all. The lack of regulation meant that they could happen at any time and, worse still, there was no financial reward for the schools involved in the mass killings. By auctioning permission to shoot his pupils, Nolton hopes to bring order to the suicide shooter market and, at the same time, bring in some much needed cash for his school. In fact, the school board has already decided that any money raised from the auction will go towards tightening up security at the school.

Principal Nolton is quick to point out that the winner of the auction will not be allowed to shoot dead just any student he likes. The pupils he will be able to put in his sights will be restricted to those who fail exams and those who are no good at sports. Nolton sees this as an added bonus because the weeding out of "the chaff" (as he refers to the underachievers) will make his school stats far more impressive which in turn, he hopes, will lead to more investment and a better sort of pupil attending Pope Alexander's.

The auction finishes at 9.00a.m. (local time) on the First of February and, at present, the leading bid of $350000 has been put up by an unnamed sportsman from North Texas.

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