Tina Turner has married her long term partner, Erwin Bach, at a registry office in the Zurich suburb of Kuesnacht where they live. Happy news for all you would think. But you would be wrong. Cardinal Demens Sacerdotem, spokespriest for the Vatican, is far from happy. In this evening's edition of the Italian newspaper "Potrei Sbagliarmi" he says that the nuptials are, "...an abomination, an obscenity, unnatural and yucky."

The reason for his vehement condemnation of the marriage?

"At seventy three years old she's far too ancient to have babies and that's what marriage is all about. Women should stop having sex as soon as they hit the menopause."

I rang Cardinal Sacerdotem's office this afternoon, but he wasn't in. However, a very nice young man called Stefan asked if he could be of assistance. To be honest I thought he said his name was Stephanie, but I must have misheard him. I asked him why, as so many older people did get married, many of them Roman Catholic, the Curia had picked on Tina Turner and her husband to condemn to hell? He told me that it was because Turner's music, especially her solo work, was popular with a lot of gay people.

Not expecting an answer, I then asked him if he thought she was a suitable case for excommunication.

Oh no," he replied. "Tina is a complete diva as far as I'm concerned and can do no wrong. Now, I must love you and leave you as it's time for the changing of the Swiss Guard and I have had this one for over a week now. Poor thing is beginning to look a bit worn out."