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Anglican churches in England will be allowed to fully open again but not until their existing pews have been replaced by new, socially distanced pews similar to those shown in the photograph accompanying this post. Designed specifically for the present emergency by the son of a friend of the Archbishop of Canterbury's dentist and available in flat-pack form from all UK branches of IKEA, the pews are modelled on those employed in Australian penal colonies during the nineteenth century.

Gladys Dalrymple, speaking on behalf of the Prayer Book Society, commented, "The Church should have done this when they stopped the pew rental system. The last thing anybody wants at evensong is having to share one's personal space with all and sundry. It is so offputting."

Justin Welby was unavailable for comment as nobody could find him.

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