I tried, about a month ago, to persuade more people to donate to support my online ministry on a regular monthly basis. I got quite a few likes for the various posts concerning this but a total of £3.50 ($5.00) a month in new subscriptions. In the same month a long term supporter stopped their regular £5.00 a month regular donation. So I ended the campaign £1.50 down.
The amount of money I raise each month (less than £500) does not validate my ministry. It does not give me worth. It does not reward me for my labours. It does not allow me to take care of my own. Because of this I live with a constant feeling of failure that is reality based and my depression grabs hold of this and turns it into pathological misery. The fact that I cannot even buck up the courage to end my useless life is just another failure to add to the list.
However, I cannot stop my online ministry because it is my only source of income. So I am stuck with having to persist in a failed enterprise and this is making, what should be joyful employment into drudgery. What should distract me from the pain of lost vocation is a constant reminder of it.
I was brought up to believe, at home and at school, that a life that was not successfully useful was a wasted life and I bought into this belief to the extent that it is hardwired into my psyche. Unfortunately, I foolishly put all my eggs into one basket and when the people with all the power came along and deliberately broke those eggs all I was left with was an empty, egg stained basket.
I am fully aware that my work may not be worth supporting financially as I am fully aware that the reason no one in Durham or Newcastle Diocese has reached out to offer me the opportunity of being useful is because I am, literally, of no possible use to them. An option is to let go of hope but what does that leave? I have spent my life telling people there is hope. If there is not then not only has my life been a waste of time it has also been one big lie.