It has been five years to the day since I last celebrated communion in a church or with other people present. In England you would get a lesser punishment for bank robbery and my only sin was being depressed for a while.

May all those bishops and priests who could have helped me but chose not to, celebrate this inauspicious occasion by going down with a nasty case of the squits whilst they are next presiding at communion.

And here's the man who made all my misery possible, Bishop Martin "I've Got A Medal From The Queen" Wharton: