NEWS JUST IN: The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, today told Christians in Pakistan to convert to Islam so that Muslims won't persecute them anymore. In an interview on the BBC World Service he said that the insistence of some Christians in the West that Jesus Christ was God really got up the noses of Muslims and forced them to make up stories about young Christian girls with learning disabilities blaspheming the Prophet so they could arrest her and then threaten to execute her. Welby has promised that, at the next General Synod, he will be demanding that everything in the Nicene Creed after "I believe in God" is scrapped. Pews will also be removed from all Church of England mosques (previously known as churches) in a bid to reduce the possibility of any offence being taken by unenlightened, misogynist, murdering bastards the world over.
"To sum it up," he said, "It's all our fault for trying to live according to the teachings of Jesus Christ. We should be ashamed of ourselves."