The leaders of two of the world's major religions, Islam and Christianity, are in a state of shock today following the announcement that the government of Israel has taken out an international patent on the One, True God.

A statement, released today by the Knesset, claims that because Richard Dawkins sells more books than the Pope, it is now obvious that God does not exist. Therefore, the Israelis conclude, God is just an idea, an invented and imaginary concept and, most important of all as far as they are concerned, it is their invented and imaginary concept. Basically they are saying that the One, True God is their intellectual property in the same way that "The God Delusion" is Dawkins' intellectual property.

Although international courts are yet to rule on the legality of Israel's monopolisation of monotheism, the United Nations has issued a provisional injunction which forbids anybody, other than Jews, from making any reference to God in their services and literature. The New Testament and the Koran are now technically illegal and publication of either book without the permission of the Knesset will be regarded as a breach of copyright. Ownership of existing copies may well render the owner guilty of being an accomplish to the original crime of bootlegging or, at the very least, being in receipt of stolen goods. In an attempt to minimise the number of potential lawsuits the leader of Iran's Cloudy But Dry Muslims, Ayatollah Dinnerjacket, has contact Poppa Benny in Rome with the interesting suggestion, "We'll burn yours and you burn ours."

However, OCICBW...'s legal experts believe that, although Israel's ownership of the One, True God may be difficult to challenge successfully in court, this does not mean that Roman Catholics will have to stop worshipping the Virgin Mary or evangelicals, the yankee dollar. In fact, some church leaders are trying to spin this unexpected development as an opportunity rather than a problem. The Grand Tufti of the Church of England is personally quite excited as he hopes the removal of the Bible from bookshop shelves will lead to an increase in the sales of his own books. Taking a different tack the Presiding Tufti of the U.S. Episcopal Church is simply taking the view that any international patents or injunctions and, certainly, anything the UN decides, do not apply to her church because it's American.



  1. This development won’t affect the ‘real catholics’, as they use the missal instead of a bible, assuming they feel compelled to crack a book instead of having their betters tell them how to believe.

    The post here lives in an uncanny valley for me, being close enough to what could be real that I can’t tell if you’re being horribly sarcastic or truth-telling.

    Even more disturbing is when I attempt to google this down, I find out that there’s a bloke from Kansas who has applied for a US patent to say that he IS God.

  2. I’m not so sure, Tim. The Roman catholic hierarchy puts a lot of scripture in their missals so that the faithful don’t have to fork out on Bibles. I think it goes beyond just quotation.

  3. MP,

    That’s like saying that Reader’s Digest put a lot of Tolstoy in their 200pg version of ‘War and Peace’. The Roman Missal contains less than 14% of the OT.

    Besides, the new missal has been ‘closely translated from the original Latin…the language that Christ spoke’. That’s been said with a straight face by one of the RC spin-meisters. Poe’s Law strikes again.

  4. Erm? I think you’ll find that Jesus spoke English, albeit in an olde English way. If he had spoken any other language nobody would have heard of him.

  5. I believe I should clarify my earlier comment.

    Jesus spoke in medieval Latin when in public. When speaking to the Father, though, Christ used his native tongue of Elizabethan English.

  6. The Israelis may well be able to claim ownership of ‘YHVH’, provided it’s written in Hebrew of course. Though I daresay copyright on the Tanakh will have expired by now. However, ‘God’ is clearly an English word, and is thus not their property. I can see the lawyers making a fortune out of this!

  7. “Let’s patent Jehovah”, said some
    We can sell him to those who are dumb
    But god soon was returned
    By the gentiles who learned
    That the battery soon fell out his bum.