OLD MADPRIEST’S ALMANAC

MadPriest has consulted the tea leaves and is pleased to be able to give you the following lowdown on the coming year:

Breaking with 2000 years of tradition, Benedict will resign from the papacy in order to pursue a lucrative career as an after-dinner speaker in the United States. Cardinal Raymond Burke will be elected as the new pope and will take the name, Atilla I. His first task as pontiff will be to develop an independent nuclear capability for the Vatican.

In England, a lady coated in iron will finally succumb to rust. In the South there will be official mourning for two weeks. In the North we will be given an extra public holiday.

North Korean president, Kim Jong-Il, will buy Chelsea Football Club and appoint Diego Maradona as manager.

Dicky Dorkins will have a thoroughly bad year as scientists throughout the world re-embrace alchemy.

In a daring raid, a team of SAS commandoes will break through the Times' paywall and rescue Ruth Gledhill. However, later in the year she will be the chief suspect in the Rupert Murdoch murder enquiry.

The blogger, Pluralist, will post an article entitled, "The Ten Things I Love About The Anglican Communion." This will take place on 1st. April 2011.

Archbishop Robert Duncan will declare himself "Emperor of the Universe" but nobody will take the slightest bit of notice.

Bankers will award themselves bonuses.

The public will vote Simon Cowell off the planet.

There will be a royal wedding in Britain. Bishop Nick Baines will be given permission to blog live from the event.

The presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church in the United States will grow a beard.

The Antichrist will arrive on earth, take one look at what we're doing with it, decide he is not really needed and clear off again.

Having become the world's first blogging multi-billionaire, MadPriest buys The BBC just so he can sack the young, female weather forecaster, with the terrible diction, who really annoys him.

All these things will come to pass, but do you have any further prophesies to add to the list?

Comments

OLD MADPRIEST’S ALMANAC — 9 Comments

  1. Mine is more in the way of an oracle:

    The first shall be last.
    The last shall be first.
    Traffic will be snarled on 285 for days.

    This word of wisdom came to me while leaning over the vapors from a cup of my famous java.

  2. Bless you MP, What a truly inspired list of prophesies. If only half of them could be fulfilled what a wonderfull 2011 we would have.

    Sadly, I suspect it will just be more of the same.

    A Happy New Year to you and yours either way.

  3. Oh, MadPriest, you gladden my heart; you really do!

    Here’s the first one that made me laugh out loud:

    “Dicky Dorkins will have a thoroughly bad year as scientists throughout the world re-embrace alchemy.”

    (The bit about the antichrist was also truly excellent.)