In the space of just 72 hours the true horror of what the remnant of the Anglican Communion is up against has been revealed.
Firstly, the Archbishop of Canterbury flies off to Rome to take tea with a person intent on destroying the Archbishop's church and who is openly luring Anglican priests into his heretical clutches with baubles of phoney independence and authority.
Secondly, a top American bishop has let slip the hitherto closely guarded secret that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been abducted by aliens.
Now, the respected English newspaper, THE DAILY MAIL, has revealed that one of the ABC's leading captains, Pete "The Fixer" Broadbent, is intent on the overthrow of the British monarchy. On his Facebook page, this latter day Oliver Cromwell describes the Royal Family as ‘philanderers’ with a record of marriage break-ups who ‘cost an arm and a leg’. He also denounces the ‘nauseating tosh’ surrounding the ‘national flimflam’ of the wedding and says the basis of the Monarchy is ‘corrupt and sexist’. In a reference to the 1981 marriage of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, he adds: ‘I managed to avoid the last disaster in slow motion between Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll, and I hope to avoid this one too.’
My brothers and sisters, is it not obvious what is happening here?
The aliens infiltrated the Vatican years ago. Through the proclamations of the bishop of Rome that condemn birth control they have been building up the planetary stock of human beings so that they can feast on our flesh, which is what aliens like doing best. The only thing between the human race and the Armageddon abattoir is the English church, made up as it is of plucky, English types, all of whom use condoms.
So, what do the aliens do?
Well, firstly they manage to get the Daily Telegraph to employ a Ferengi as a regular religious commentator (that the English media, with the exception of the Daily Mail and the good, old BBC, is already in the thrall of our would be alien overloads, is demonstrated by the fact that anybody can see that this Ferengi is Ferengi because he looks like a Ferengi).
Then they abduct Rowan Williams, his staff and the entire House of Bishops, and replace them with androids who have infiltrated the British Establishment from where they are now attempting to destroy all that the English hold dear (e.g. a day off for the Royal Wedding), which they hope will drain us of our spunkiness so that we are easy pickings for their zombie Vatican army.
But do not panic yet!
OCICBW... can now reveal that, hidden behind the Times Paywall, the C. of E's very own double agent, Ruth "Mata Hari" Gledhill, has been training up thousands of members of the Mothers Union in the ninja arts and they are, even now, preparing to launch an all out assault on Lambeth Palace in an attempt to destroy the alien Giant Alien Head who has set up his earth HQ within its hallowed walls.
This will be our finest hour (again).